Wednesday, May 28, 2008


For the last two weeks, I have been running around trying to do it all.  I have been a student in a Doctor of Ministry program in preaching at Wesley Theological Seminary.  I have been the pastor of a church that is about to make a major transition as we move from borrowed space back into our home sanctuary following a major renovation.  I have been a member of the Baltimore Washington Annual Conference that met this past weekend at the National Harbor.  I have been a friend and fiance.  And, I have been a wedding coordinator, finalizing many details for a June 28 wedding that is fast approaching.  I have done many things, trying my best to succeed.  I have been many things, wearing a variety of hats as I try to check more things off of the list.  And, I have often neglected the core of center - my relationship with Christ - in the process.

I have been Superwoman.  And, Superwoman is very tired.  Yet, Superwoman is also thankful that somehow I made it through these difficult weeks and find my heart restless to find itself centered on God once again.

This morning, I turned to the pages once more of the small devotional book, "Bridges to Contemplative Living with Thomas Merton," where I found these words:

"Our meditation should begin with the realization of our nothingless and helplessness in the presence of God.  This need not be a mournful or discouraging experience.  On the contrary, it can be deeply tranquil and joyful since it brings us in direct contact with the source of all joy and life.  But one reason why our meditation never gets started is perhaps that we never make this real, serious return to the center of our own nothingless before God.  Hence, we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God."

Merton then continues, "'Finding our heart' and recovering the awareness of our inmost identity implies the recognition that our external, everyday self is to a great extent a mask and a fabrication.  It is not our true self.  And indeed our true self is not easy to find."

All this stuff I have been doing, as much as I like it, is a mask - a fabrication.  All of this stuff I am doing - no matter how important it makes me feel - is not important.

And so, I awaken myself once more today.  I admit that while I am so thankful for all that is going on in my life, I am exhausted.  I am tired.  

I am going to sit this morning as my true self - one that would long to stay home all day and do nothing but sit alone with God - one who longs to dance with God - one who longs to rediscover where my core is.  It is not in trying to do everything while praying that a ball I am juggling does not fall to the ground.  It is not trying to please someone by accepting more invitations to do things than I can possibly get done.  At my core, at the center of my being, is the fact that I am a beloved child of God - whether I am finishing a doctoral of ministry program or not, whether I am seeking to be the best preacher or not, whether I am planning a memorable wedding worship service and reception or not, whether I am trying to please everyone or not.

God loves us.  God longs to be in relationship with us.  God longs for us to put God first. 

God, awaken my center once more.  Enable me to be poured out for you.  Amen.

1 comment:

Kristen said...

Hi, Donna.
I finally found your wonderful blog! Thank you for writing and for sharing. It is beautiful, and full of wonderful reminders of what a life dancing with God is like.